I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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