did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
