She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
