Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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