you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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