So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
