I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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