I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
