So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
