I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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