Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
