I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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