im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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