I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
