omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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