i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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