i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
