I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
