I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
