My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
