I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
