Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wish my penis had a tongue
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
