he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We talked him into tasing himself.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
