I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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