Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
