he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
