If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I forget how to act sober
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
