On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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