We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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