the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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