I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
