Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
