Little spoons don't ask big questions
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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