Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
