ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
