cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
