I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
