It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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