how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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