part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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