His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
