Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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