Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
