If that was your dad, he is hot
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
