Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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