so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
