Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
