Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
