Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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