i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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