she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize