I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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