Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
