If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
