last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
