She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
