I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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