All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
