I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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