Umm I'm too high to move.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
