he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
