omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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