Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
