He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
